Pain - Suffering
Christa, how can I do this to you? How can I let myself keep this up? Please pray for me, for us to find a way to let me control this terrible rage. Maybe I need to see a Dr. Its like Accutane all over again. Times ten. You mean so much to me. We’ve been through so much. The pain, the anger, the happiness, its all archived in my mind. Then I go out and start more pain, stir up this anger. But where is the happiness? Why cant I share that with you? All of my anger, the pent up rage, from each day, each day without friends here, I give it to you. I gouge you deep. Over and over and over, I cant stop. You cry and plead, but it seems to fuel me. I'm goin downhill with no brakes. Draggin you down too. Ive wounded you so much, you will always carry these scars. They will never leave. Ive hurt the best thing that God has ever granted me. He gave me this gift, to care for, to protect. But I couldn’t do it. Ive nearly ruined you. You may never trust my temper again. You may never trust any mans temper. These scars, they hold you back. You may not trust anyone with your heart again, who knows? I feel like I cant carry this weight. The pain the suffering that weve both experienced, its all on me now at once. Every time you’ve had that look in your eyes, your precious eyes. That look of torment, agony. You’ve placed your trust on me. I cant help it, nothing is sacred, that gets torn up too. I need to rid myself of this monster. My other side it betrays me. It stabs that which I hold dearest. It tears her apart, as my tears fall. Its like another person. I'm not in control when it happens. It just flows. The devil takes ahold, to try and tear me from she who led me to God. I need His shield to protect me, his strength to help me fight that which tears us apart. You are too precious to lose to anger. I cannot let you go. But I may have to until I can control this. The very thought brings tears flowing from my eyes. The Lord needs to direct me.
Lead me Lord, to where I need to go
Take me to the place where I cant hurt her
Let me leave this place, never to return
Please God, save her, save me, save US
To wound this beautiful creature is a sin
One that I have committed too many times
Lord, please lift this weight, but leave the pain as a reminder
Don’t let me forget the torment that has crossed those eyes
Please God show me the path, give me the right friends
Release the demons within let them fly out
Never to return to this house
Fortify these walls with your Word
Remind me of the vanity of my actions in this world
Help me to remember the days I will spend praising you
The joy that I shall possess
Show me Jesus, the actions that I need to take
Let me see what I need to do to please you
To keep her from harm
She deserves better that what I can give her
But Lord, let her receive the best of me, not the worst
Make me worthy of her, for I shall never be truly worthy of you
Lord, only you can save me now, I cannot travel this road alone.
Christa: I love you and always will. Please pray for me.
I have cried pretty much throughout this whole letter. I can only hope that they are the last tears of pain that I shed for you. Ive got plenty of joyful tears for you, we haven’t shared enough of those. The one thing I wish I could do right now, is pray with you. Long serious prayer with God. We need that now, more than anything else. I have pushed you too far into this. I cannot keep hurting you like this. That’s not why God led me to you. I know this is all part of a bigger plan, but it needs to end now. Next time I vent at you like I did this morning, hang up, sign off. Let me deal with my own anger. I will not call you back until I realize what I have done. If I do, hang up again, This is not your fight, it is mine. You are my sister, not my body(mind)guard. I have no right to shower this pain down on you like I do. It drives you further and further down. You need to rise above the mud I have created. To where you belong. From now on, I need to lay down and let the anger pass, then talk to you. I'm serious when I say that I want you to hang up when I Get angry, ok? I miss you, and wish I could be next to you, but God has me here for a reason, whatever that may be. I guess I’ll find out eventually, right?
With all of my Love, Regrets and Sorrows for the Pain that I have caused,
Chris
(c) Chris N
Christa, how can I do this to you? How can I let myself keep this up? Please pray for me, for us to find a way to let me control this terrible rage. Maybe I need to see a Dr. Its like Accutane all over again. Times ten. You mean so much to me. We’ve been through so much. The pain, the anger, the happiness, its all archived in my mind. Then I go out and start more pain, stir up this anger. But where is the happiness? Why cant I share that with you? All of my anger, the pent up rage, from each day, each day without friends here, I give it to you. I gouge you deep. Over and over and over, I cant stop. You cry and plead, but it seems to fuel me. I'm goin downhill with no brakes. Draggin you down too. Ive wounded you so much, you will always carry these scars. They will never leave. Ive hurt the best thing that God has ever granted me. He gave me this gift, to care for, to protect. But I couldn’t do it. Ive nearly ruined you. You may never trust my temper again. You may never trust any mans temper. These scars, they hold you back. You may not trust anyone with your heart again, who knows? I feel like I cant carry this weight. The pain the suffering that weve both experienced, its all on me now at once. Every time you’ve had that look in your eyes, your precious eyes. That look of torment, agony. You’ve placed your trust on me. I cant help it, nothing is sacred, that gets torn up too. I need to rid myself of this monster. My other side it betrays me. It stabs that which I hold dearest. It tears her apart, as my tears fall. Its like another person. I'm not in control when it happens. It just flows. The devil takes ahold, to try and tear me from she who led me to God. I need His shield to protect me, his strength to help me fight that which tears us apart. You are too precious to lose to anger. I cannot let you go. But I may have to until I can control this. The very thought brings tears flowing from my eyes. The Lord needs to direct me.
Lead me Lord, to where I need to go
Take me to the place where I cant hurt her
Let me leave this place, never to return
Please God, save her, save me, save US
To wound this beautiful creature is a sin
One that I have committed too many times
Lord, please lift this weight, but leave the pain as a reminder
Don’t let me forget the torment that has crossed those eyes
Please God show me the path, give me the right friends
Release the demons within let them fly out
Never to return to this house
Fortify these walls with your Word
Remind me of the vanity of my actions in this world
Help me to remember the days I will spend praising you
The joy that I shall possess
Show me Jesus, the actions that I need to take
Let me see what I need to do to please you
To keep her from harm
She deserves better that what I can give her
But Lord, let her receive the best of me, not the worst
Make me worthy of her, for I shall never be truly worthy of you
Lord, only you can save me now, I cannot travel this road alone.
Christa: I love you and always will. Please pray for me.
I have cried pretty much throughout this whole letter. I can only hope that they are the last tears of pain that I shed for you. Ive got plenty of joyful tears for you, we haven’t shared enough of those. The one thing I wish I could do right now, is pray with you. Long serious prayer with God. We need that now, more than anything else. I have pushed you too far into this. I cannot keep hurting you like this. That’s not why God led me to you. I know this is all part of a bigger plan, but it needs to end now. Next time I vent at you like I did this morning, hang up, sign off. Let me deal with my own anger. I will not call you back until I realize what I have done. If I do, hang up again, This is not your fight, it is mine. You are my sister, not my body(mind)guard. I have no right to shower this pain down on you like I do. It drives you further and further down. You need to rise above the mud I have created. To where you belong. From now on, I need to lay down and let the anger pass, then talk to you. I'm serious when I say that I want you to hang up when I Get angry, ok? I miss you, and wish I could be next to you, but God has me here for a reason, whatever that may be. I guess I’ll find out eventually, right?
With all of my Love, Regrets and Sorrows for the Pain that I have caused,
Chris
(c) Chris N
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