Monday, December 08, 2003

In response to the question:
When you are with your love, what goes through your head?

The thoughts of a beautiful future with her. The love we share, all comes out when we hold each other, in those moments before the goodbye. We stay there, seemingly forever, lost within. Within ourselves, each other, us. Warmth spreads, the world slips away. No one else exists, there is only us. We never want to return, all we need is there in our arms, in our eyes.


(c) Chris N

Sunday, December 07, 2003

Coffee shop writings.

Then she called. he picked up,angry at what she had done, but willing to make ammends. Why did they fight so much? They loved each other,that love that comes from years of a close relationship. They knew what the other was thinking. They spent hours, lost in each others arms, talking kissing, living. How they missed those times. The times before he moved on. Or tried to.

(c) Chris N
Written at a coffee shop/diner on elle's palm zire...


DAMN! The lady was there again. On the corner. He wanted to talk to her. She was gorgeous. Long red hair and beautiful legs. He could not pursue her. Heartbroken, he recalled Her. The girl of his dreams. The one he needed, needed so much it hurt sometimes. She was everytthing he ever wanted, everything he needed. Smart, beautiful, sociable, kind. Her memory, warm, but growing cold. He had lost her. They had both changed, not the same people they had fallen for so long ago. He hadn't tried to adapt. She was too different. He would have to reconcile, swallow his pride. Could he do it? Would she accept him again? Or had she moved on?

(c) Chris N

Wednesday, December 03, 2003

Pain - Suffering


Christa, how can I do this to you? How can I let myself keep this up? Please pray for me, for us to find a way to let me control this terrible rage. Maybe I need to see a Dr. Its like Accutane all over again. Times ten. You mean so much to me. We’ve been through so much. The pain, the anger, the happiness, its all archived in my mind. Then I go out and start more pain, stir up this anger. But where is the happiness? Why cant I share that with you? All of my anger, the pent up rage, from each day, each day without friends here, I give it to you. I gouge you deep. Over and over and over, I cant stop. You cry and plead, but it seems to fuel me. I'm goin downhill with no brakes. Draggin you down too. Ive wounded you so much, you will always carry these scars. They will never leave. Ive hurt the best thing that God has ever granted me. He gave me this gift, to care for, to protect. But I couldn’t do it. Ive nearly ruined you. You may never trust my temper again. You may never trust any mans temper. These scars, they hold you back. You may not trust anyone with your heart again, who knows? I feel like I cant carry this weight. The pain the suffering that weve both experienced, its all on me now at once. Every time you’ve had that look in your eyes, your precious eyes. That look of torment, agony. You’ve placed your trust on me. I cant help it, nothing is sacred, that gets torn up too. I need to rid myself of this monster. My other side it betrays me. It stabs that which I hold dearest. It tears her apart, as my tears fall. Its like another person. I'm not in control when it happens. It just flows. The devil takes ahold, to try and tear me from she who led me to God. I need His shield to protect me, his strength to help me fight that which tears us apart. You are too precious to lose to anger. I cannot let you go. But I may have to until I can control this. The very thought brings tears flowing from my eyes. The Lord needs to direct me.
Lead me Lord, to where I need to go
Take me to the place where I cant hurt her
Let me leave this place, never to return
Please God, save her, save me, save US
To wound this beautiful creature is a sin
One that I have committed too many times
Lord, please lift this weight, but leave the pain as a reminder
Don’t let me forget the torment that has crossed those eyes
Please God show me the path, give me the right friends
Release the demons within let them fly out
Never to return to this house
Fortify these walls with your Word
Remind me of the vanity of my actions in this world
Help me to remember the days I will spend praising you
The joy that I shall possess
Show me Jesus, the actions that I need to take
Let me see what I need to do to please you
To keep her from harm
She deserves better that what I can give her
But Lord, let her receive the best of me, not the worst
Make me worthy of her, for I shall never be truly worthy of you
Lord, only you can save me now, I cannot travel this road alone.
Christa: I love you and always will. Please pray for me.
I have cried pretty much throughout this whole letter. I can only hope that they are the last tears of pain that I shed for you. Ive got plenty of joyful tears for you, we haven’t shared enough of those. The one thing I wish I could do right now, is pray with you. Long serious prayer with God. We need that now, more than anything else. I have pushed you too far into this. I cannot keep hurting you like this. That’s not why God led me to you. I know this is all part of a bigger plan, but it needs to end now. Next time I vent at you like I did this morning, hang up, sign off. Let me deal with my own anger. I will not call you back until I realize what I have done. If I do, hang up again, This is not your fight, it is mine. You are my sister, not my body(mind)guard. I have no right to shower this pain down on you like I do. It drives you further and further down. You need to rise above the mud I have created. To where you belong. From now on, I need to lay down and let the anger pass, then talk to you. I'm serious when I say that I want you to hang up when I Get angry, ok? I miss you, and wish I could be next to you, but God has me here for a reason, whatever that may be. I guess I’ll find out eventually, right?
With all of my Love, Regrets and Sorrows for the Pain that I have caused,
Chris


(c) Chris N
Total crap! it was gonna be good, but I lost my train of thought. Toot



“The Frekes wont quit!” he said as he dove through the door.
“What do you mean? I thought we fixed that problem.”
“I guess not. Its just a good thing they can’t aim worth a shit.”
“Well,” I pause, unable to come up with something that might help; “yeah.”
My brother and I were home again. After moving out here, we got really good at staying away from people. School was pointless. Its not like we were learning anything anyway. We came from the best public schooling system in the nation. Now we were supposed to dodge bullets from these stupid rednecks, just to be ridiculed for our knowledge? Only one teacher saw our potential. He came to us one day, while we were still in the halls, enjoying the safety of the school
“Hey kids, get over here!”
Sean looked at me, knowing we hadn’t done anything. Mr. Kallery wasn’t even my teacher. Curiously we approached him. He was a bear of a man, six foot three inches, about one hundred and seventy-five pounds. He wasn’t movie star good-looking, but there was a certain comfort that one could get from his blue eyes. There were stories that he was built like a wall, but he always wore the baggy button-up shirts, and jeans. He always had a clean appearance, which stood out in this place. The filth was overwhelming. I had to purposely ignore certain aspects of my appearance so that I wouldn’t get harassed by the kids here. This was high school, dammit. There was no reason for bullies here. Sorry, I’ll get back to where I was.
“I want you two in my room, now.”
So we trudged in, expecting the worst. We had been called in before, always together. Sometimes we were warned because we were ‘smart alecs’. Sometimes we had hurt somebodys feelings because we made such good grades. Anything to annoy the new kids, the clean kids, the smart kids. We had made few friends in the short time we had been here, but plenty of people wanted to be our enemies.
Once we got into the room, he shut the door. His angry expression suddenly softened.
“Sorry about that, but I don’t want anything to seem out of order.”
His fast clear sentences were a relief from the stumbling language that surrounded us. The slight accent, not so different from ours, was a comfort.
“So, uh, is there a problem, Mr. Kallery?” I spoke out first, knowing Sean was probably angry because we had missed the bus, again.
“Oh, not really. I just wanted to talk to you guys, that’s all. You certainly stand out in a place like this. I’ve heard horrible things from some teachers. I just wanted to see if there was any substance to them.”
“God, we missed the bus for nothing? This really blows, you know that?” Sean spoke out finally. “We aren’t side show acts, you know”
“Oh shit” I thought. Why can’t he control his anger? Our parents are sick of the daily phone calls from the school.
Mr. Kallery’s eyes hardened, anger seeping in around the edges. Then he smiled. “I’m sorry about that, but there are other things I wanted to talk to you about.
“You two are the brightest kids that have ever graced these halls. That just isn’t appreciated by a lot of people. These kids don’t care if you can do Calculus, as you can. They don’t want you to study and get 110’s on every test. That screws up the curve that they get. These kids, who normally get B’s, C’s, and D’s, aren’t passing. That means they have to try harder if they want to get their degree. And these are the kids who care. The rest of them don’t like you because you don’t look like they do. The rest of them don’t like you because you don’t look like they do. You have ‘nice clothes’ and they don’t. just be glad you don’t have cars.
“I want you to drop out, disappear.”
Let me tell you, that was the best thing we had heard since we got here. We knew we didn’t fit in. then Sean asked what we were both wondering;
“What do we do about school?”
“Hah. Its funny you should ask. I can get a home-schooling system for you. The school puts it out. Not many people care enough to get it, but I am in charge of keeping it updated. The reason I like you kids so much

(c) Chris N
This is junk.

He spent the days in the sun. enjoying the sea breezes that tossed his hair about. Never minding the hard labor that he put forth to make the ends meet. Day after day he would head out to the marinas, taking his ‘tools’. All day he would spend out there, on those toys, scrubbing, rinsing, polishing. Looking at what he had, he was happy. He had a home, he had a car, he even had a girl.
Chris wasn’t what you’d call a normal guy. Most people wanted to work to spend the money they made. He was happy with what he had. The summers he spent out on the docks were priceless to him. The money went towards the fall and spring semesters at the local college. He had moved two years ago, to get out of Houston. The city was killing him, crushing the free spirit. He spent his weekends away from that town. Road trips, anything to escape. That was the worst year of school he had ever faced. Away from his high school friends, he had trouble meeting new people. Then he met Kay, on a trip to LSU to see Pam.
Pam was an old friend from Clear Lake High School who had graduated a year before he had. She had gone off to LSU and invited Chris down for a weekend. Sean, the only friend from Lake who hadn’t ran off, came too. After they got to Pam’s apartment, the had sat around for a bit, then gone off to the bar to meet Jen, another Lake grad. Returning from the bar, they watched a movie, then Kay came in. In black slacks and a classy white blouse, Kay looked great from the very beginning. The four of the, sat and chatted for a while, then Pam went off to bed. That night, Sean and Chris joined Kay in her room, keeping her up until she had to leave in the morning. The rest of the weekend went by fairly uneventfully, but Chris had a growing attraction to Kay. He noticed that she wasn’t like most girls. She wasn’t worried about her appearance to others. She did what she wanted, and was ok with doing it alone. Later that week, while talking to Pam online, Chris told her how he felt about Kay. He didn’t know what it was about her, but there was something that drew him to her. Maybe it was her casual attitude, maybe it was her looks. He didn’t know what it was, but he was attracted nonetheless.
As the relationship flourished, he began planning his future. He knew that he wasn’t going to stay at UH forever. Eventually, he told himself that he was going to LSU. After applying, and getting accepted, the doubt began to set in. How would he pay for it? So that summer, he moved Baton Rouge. Staying in the apartment that Pam used during the year, he began to look for work.


(c) Chris N
(c) Chris N